Gary's Blog

Give this heart to everyone you don’t want to lose in 2010 including me if you care. 

Try to collect 12.  It’s not easy!

‘Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.’

A sharp tongue can cut your own throat.

If you want your dreams to come true, you mustn’t oversleep.
 
Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.

The  best vitamin for making friends……  B1.
The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.
 
The heaviest thing you can carry is a grudge.

One thing you can give and still keep….is your word.

You lie the loudest when you lie to yourself.

If you lack the courage to start, you have already finished.  

One thing you can’t recycle is wasted time.

Ideas won’t work unless ‘You’ do.
 
Your mind is like a parachute…it functions only when open.

The 10 commandments are not a multiple choice.

The pursuit of happiness is the chase of a lifetime!

It is never too late to become what you might have been.

Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love  
the people who treat you right. Forget about the  
ones who don’t.

Believe everything happens for a reason.

If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it.

Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.

Friends are like balloons: 
 
Once you let them go, you might not get them back.

Sometimes we get so busy with our own lives and problems that we may not even notice that we’ve let them fly away.  

Sometimes we are so caught up in who’s right and who’s wrong that we forget what’s right and wrong.  

Sometimes we just don’t realize what real friendship means until it is too late.

I don’t want to let that happen so I’m going to tie you to my heart so I never lose you.

Show this to all your friends including me and see how many you get back.

Even show it to your balloons that you think have flown away forever.

You may be surprised to see it return.

Show this heart to everybody that
has touched  your life in a positive
way.

Thank you for being in my life!!! 

Note: I laughed so hard my sides ached. I knew I had to share this with you.

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife… A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
 
Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety….??
 
WAY TOO COOL!
 
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
 
AWESOME!!!
 
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
 
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
 
Am I wrong?
 
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
 
All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’ What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best.
 
I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, ‘don’t do it dumb ass,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and.
 
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
 
I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
 
Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor… A three second burst would be considered conservative?
 
IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
 
A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I’m still looking for my nuts and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!
 
PS: My wife, who can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
 
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!! 

PS: I’m still laughing as I post this.